If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.