I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Just this preview of the story is enough
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”