My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.