I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You Might Also Like
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Just ordered me some pizza!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
shit just got real
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid