Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂