“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight