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I think I’m having a stroke
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*