What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see