Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
LMAO.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
2 years later
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup