Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
welp
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.