ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I did not eat the cake…
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?