CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.