Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I see your IQ test came back negative
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.