My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
A family that plays together cheats.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right