I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair