There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?