My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break