“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*skinny dips into black hole
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
CRYING
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*