By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Love this guy
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
he’s doing your taxes