Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
You Might Also Like
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Okey dokey.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments