Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
She died as she lived鈥攕houting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
It鈥檚 so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police鈥檚 job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I鈥檓 making has lace on it.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I鈥檓 a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[guy at party who鈥檚 embarrassed that he鈥檚 allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Don’t snitch tag.