Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!