Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
my astrological sign is a french fry
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.