My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
You Might Also Like
Just a friendly reminder!
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
A ghost story
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.