Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god