I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Every work call, he judges.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.