so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.