The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed