Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult