Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno