Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Best table by far
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
that lip filler tho
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.