“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I feel seen.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.