Simple enough.
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ME: Oh no.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I was up all night reading about insomnia