Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.