When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
It’s an epidemic…
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.