“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
fired
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?