Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
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My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink