The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I’m aging like a fine banana
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.