king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]