Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.