ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.