[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Worst bar ever.
gm
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’ll be mad as hell!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.