Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.