I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
there’s probably a fee though
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
listen closely
Fidel Castro was alive?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch