me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men