Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.