People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir