If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Twitter is an abusement park.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️