Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
real
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but