I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Bruh PLEASE
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.